December 24, 2011

Christmas Trip From Hell?

So i'm one of those that does last minutes holiday shopping. Mainly because I never have money. And usually the last minutes you can find some good deals.  So I did something today, that I haven't done since i was in Jr High. I went to the MALL.

As i was looking for something I knew the wife would like, I got the cashier to help me locate some extra's. I was looking for as many seasons of an old TV show she loves that isn't on any more. IT was the last small thing to get her. So as the cashier is helping me and there is this little elderly Hispanic lady looking in the area we are. The cashier found what I needed. But apparently the lady was looking for the same thing. She said something in Spanish that I didn't understand. The cashier answered back and she glared at me. 

One thing I have learned from my Hispanic co-workers is, if they are talking about you, they look at you. And man was this little old lady staring at me. Even think she put a curse on me, as I almost took out a new Cadillac in the parking lot. She started to say something. Not with an inside voice. No, she had to speak loud enough the entire shop in the all heard her. 

At this point in time, i'm getting ready to check out. What happened next was, um... let's not nice. She kept rambling on and on as she walked around the isles. Raising her voice every other word. She come around the corner and stopped and finger to my face lit me up. Okay that's it woman. It's on like Donkey Kong now. I set my items on the counter and turned to face her. What ever she just said, the cashier snickered.

All in my mind, i'm dancing like a 20 someting Rocky. She looks like Clubber Lang on steroids. Weaving and bobbing, ducking and jiving. Kinda felt like lifting her dress up to expose those knickers of hers. But then relaity set in. 

I slid my card through the machine and got my receipt. As i turned and started to walk away, I turned back at her and said, "I didn't understand a damn thing you just said. But have a good Christmas anyway." The bitch hit me with her purse! Literally, smacked me upside the shoulder with her purse. The cashier tried talking to her. Eventually she got her attention so I could leave. Must have been a brick in there. Because my shoulder hurts.

Now, as i get outside, I realized with my newly found friend, I got lost. Yes Lost. No GPS. No maps. I walked out the wrong side of the building. So back in I go. Find my way out front and head to my car. Now what happens next, put the biggest smile on my face yet.

As im pulling out, I wait for the other cars and people to cross the drive. I have Ozzy blaring on the stero, as i'm already a little annoyed. Two little old ladies are walking down the sidewalk, bags in their hands. Dressed up kind of nice. I know these people can here the music, as it is loud and my windows are open. Hell it's 80 damn degree's here today.

Part of the lyrics in the song playing are, "So come on Jesus, were all here waiting just for you." The smaller of the two ladies turns in my direction and yelled, "Hell yes we are. Amen."
I lost it. She started to laugh, waved and I wished them both a Merry Christmas. They returned the salutation. Who knew granny liked Ozzy so much? LOL

So next year, all shopping will be done on-line. no last minute trips.  And the mall, well the mall can kiss my lily colored white ass.



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