January 31, 2012

Achievement Unlocked

Everyone looks for milestones. Be it your anniversary, the length at a job, a new baby, we all hope to be there for at least a few of these.

So in a weeks time, I will hit one of these. Nothing major, but to a company, it's on the bottom of the milestone list. Five years at the same job. Five years...

To some that's not a lot. Especially those who have been at their job for 10, 15, 20 years or longer. But event hey hit their 5 year mark at one point.

What's messed up about this really, is the fact that when our company was bought out, they did away with a lot of the little things that made the employee feel good. Not just about the company, but about their jobs and themselves. Things like getting signed cards from Employee Relations Manager for your birthday. Signed cards from the CEO for Christmas. It was one of those rare times, that they took the time out of their busy days, to do the very smallest task. They weren't auto signatures, or some secretary. But they did take the time to do such a thing. Makes you feel good in a small way.

So where's this going...? Well, my letter arrived today. Sitting on my desk when I got to work. Thanking me for 5 years of service. That i'm a valued member of the team, (can they get any more generic?). The guy who signed this letter doesn't even know what I do or what I have done for this company in the last 5 years. I doubt he realizes I am also the recipient of an award for outstanding performance, above and beyond my daily duties. Also by the way, the new company took those away as well.

The fact that I helped start a department that was a new avenue to this company, to co-write a lot of the training material to be used company wide for said department and to create both the logo that has been trademarked and the customer facing software, only to be outsourced for that department with out so much as a thank you? Think the 5 year accomplishment doesn't mean a whole lot any more.

As I watch this company do what our government is doing to it's people, they go hand in hand. Almost like they are married.  Yes i'm thankful I have a job. But trust me, I've been looking. I've always been about communication in both directions and respect. And this company doesn't seem to care about either of those.

So enough of my rant. Until I can find another job, I'll just take this one, one day at a time.
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January 26, 2012

I Want To Know

This was originally posted over at Google+. It speaks so many truths. In away I can relate to this. In away, though I have a million thoughts running through my head, this is how I feel. How I am. 

“It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.”
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You're a Seeker

So someone posted a Visual DNA Personality exam on Google+ this evening. I don't mind taking these things from time to time. As it can be a good time waster. And it's always interesting as to what comes out in the end.  I mean i took the Myers Briggs personality test and that was spot on if I've ever seen test results.

Anyway, the results of this test are about 90% accurate to me. And comparing these to the Myers Briggs test and my life, it's pretty freaky how accurate these things can be. Anyway this is what my DNA test says I am.

You're a Seeker

Spirit:
You're a Seeker. A good listener with a heart of gold, you're someone your friends know they can rely on for support and advice in good times and bad. You're kind and generous and helping others comes naturally. A sensitive soul with an expressive nature, you tend to be quite a romantic at heart. Sometimes you love nothing more than escaping into your very own dreamworld. Spontaneous new experiences can be really inspiring to you and you like exploring your creative side from time to time. Right now, life probably seems quite stressful. You feel like you never get any time for yourself. Your sensitive nature means you value having deep connections with a few good friends. It's vital that you make the time to connect with the people who understand you. It's important to remember to tap into your inner strength and to believe in yourself. Take on new challenges and stay stimulated so you remain enthusiastic and inspired by life. As a Seeker, you get excited by new ideas. You like adventure and original experiences that stimulate and challenge your status quo. Stay inspired with a rich mix of activities, and find time for hobbies that allow you to explore your creative side. Learn to recognize when you need variety in your life, and then incorporate it into your daily plans. There's no better way to feel centered and balanced than to spend some time out in the fresh air. You understand that a change of scenery can reinvigorate you and remind you of what matters most in the world. Remember, it's not a luxury but a necessity, so allow yourself that quiet time as often as you can.

Relationship:
For you, the sign of a good relationship is that you don't stress out about the small stuff. You may have your ups and downs, but there's no one you'd rather spend the rest of your life with. As a True Romantic, you've got a whole lot of love to give and you like to lavish your partner with romantic gestures. You have strong instincts and a good understanding of who you are and what you want from life. You like to follow your dreams and believe in happy endings. You are expressive and enjoy coming up with new ways to show your partner how much you love him. Intense experiences appeal to your sensual side. It's all about immersing yourself in the fairy-tale feelings of being in love. For you, it's the little things that make being in love so special: a sunset stroll on a beach, holding hands at the movies and feeling protected and cared for.

Money:
The way to your heart is through your stomach! While you're happy to get creative in the kitchen, you'd love to be able to eat in amazing restaurants whenever the mood strikes. You have a very healthy approach to life. You know that true happiness doesn't come from material things or possessions. It goes much deeper than that and is all about valuing those things you can't put a price on. You like to care for those around you, and if they're happy, you're happy. You appreciate that both highs and lows make up the balance of life and you always try and stay spiritually strong and focused.


Health:
Unappealing as it may seem, it would be good to try to be a bit more active every day. You might be surprised at how much you'd actually enjoy regular exercise. It may sound hard to believe, but endorphins are better than chocolate if you just give them a chance! You may even find that you're in a better mood more often. Start off with something that isn't too intimidating, like climbing the stairs instead of taking the elevator. You might even consider signing up for a few personal training sessions in the gym so that you have a program that's tailored just for you. You may need to think about making a few changes what you eat too. Maybe you could try making homemade versions of your favorite restaurant meals to reduce the sodium and fat content and eat healthier without compromising too much on taste.

Home:
Ever stopped to dream about your perfect life, even for a bit? Thought so! In fact, your grounded nature suggests your dream life isn't too far out of reach. You're not fantasizing about exotic villas or huge mansions - you'd probably be more comfortable in a beautiful house in the suburbs. A nice neighborhood and friendly neighbors would go a long way for you.

(though this is partial true, I would love for a home in the mountains by a river or lake of clean water and woods. Close enough to civilization when needed, but quiet and peace all around)

Entertainment:
You're a techie. You love getting your hands on the latest shiny gadget that's going to revolutionize your world. If it's cool and shiny, you're probably going to want it! Logical and practical, you like to know how things work. And when it comes to chilling out, catching up on the blogosphere or chatting with your friends online with a coffee is one of life's little treats.

(again partial truth. Anything that tinkers can tinker with is me. Old, new, future.)


 Style:
You like to take things easy. Life's busy enough without having to worry about getting dressed up every day. It's about maximum comfort with a splash of style, so it's hard to beat your favorite pair of jeans. But don't forget how good it can feel to give yourself a makeover every now and then. It can work wonders for your self-esteem to refresh your wardrobe, spruce up your hair and put on a great. So make sure you schedule a shopping trip every few months. You deserve it! 


 Travel:
You're inquisitive, open-minded and interested in history. You love to discover new things and experience new places. For you, the tourist trail is best avoided. After all, it's the hidden gems that make traveling so exciting! You love to thoroughly immerse yourself in culture, so chances are you'll end up in a museum or gallery at some point on your trip.

(this couldn't be more further from the truth then anything so far.)







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January 25, 2012

Annie Oakley Before the Matrix

So during dinner break, I was talking with another employee and the security guard. Not sure what started the conversation, but it ended up on the beatings we used to get as kids.

Anyway, here's my story.

Back in the late 70's to mid 80's a lot of woman would wear those wooden Dr Scholl's sandal. You know, the ones with the wooden bottoms and leather foot straps. Between my mom and my aunt, they were like Annie Oakley with those things. Now my cousins and I used to get spanked a lot. And i mean a lot. And a good majority of the time was with these sandals.

Now, where's does Annie Oakley fit into this picture? Well, the house we lived in had a long hallway on one side where all the bedrooms were. The other side was the other rooms. Now this hallway was about 40' in length and had 3 ways to go from the bedroom side to the other rooms.

There were more times then not, when one of us would do something and try running away. All the time knowing that one of those sandals was headed our way.  There were quite a few times, we would run down through the dinning room, into the living room, cut across the hall and into one of the bedrooms. Mostly mine.

Well they got the gist of it. And soon, by time we stepped foot into the hall, the shoe was already in mid flight, target locked on. And no more then a step or two into the hallway, the shoe found it's mark on our legs or foot, knocking us down.

We would look up and they would be standing there with both hands on hip. Then they would pull the second one out of their holster and start toward us. We learned fast, DON'T MOVE. Because if you did, it was something out of the Larry Bird, Michael Jordan commercials. That second shoe would go out the window, around the house, through one room, duck the lamp, down the hallway and find our asses AGAIN!

Now, as time went on and we got our spankings, we had gotten better at ducking and dodging those shoes. We had the matrix down before the matrix was cool.

I'm not sure if we got that good or if we just tired out their arms. Because soon the shoes started to disappear for other weapons of spank destruction.

In the end, we probably got some beatings we didn't deserve. Then we got some that even the Pope would have said we needed. I can look back and smile and laugh now. However, when ever I go to NY for vacation to visit, i swear out of the corner of my eyes, I seem them take the Annie Oakley stance before i get to the door as I leave.
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To Be Different, Or To Not Be Different

Sometimes I wonder if I would have turned out different?  What do I mean by that? Not quite sure myself, but it's been a question I've been asking myself for years. And here's why. Since I was very little. New born for that matter, I've suffered a lot of head trauma. Things things i've learned over the years from my family is enough to sometimes make you wonder why I haven't slaying them all.

For starters, as a new born, maybe a year old, I fell into a lake. Down a cliff of about 15-20'. All the while my aunt and uncle are up top arguing who's job it is to watch me, so in turn it's who's job it is to get me out of the water. This from their own mouths.

When I was a little older, I fell out of the carriage onto my noggin in the center of the road. What the hell. i know i'm thick skulled in all, but damn. A few years later at the age of 5, I was in a serious accident, to which not only my mother, but my aunt as well (the one who seemed to think i could swim at a year old) along with the people from the house who called the fire dept, all thought I was dead. As my head had impacted the heat controls on the dash and I ended up on the floor under my mothers feet. Back in the 70's seat belts were not mandatory at this time. It wasn't until much later that I had woken up to climb up on my moms lap, before the emergency crew arrived and passed back out that they realized I was alive. A few short years later, I was in another accident that also bounced my head off the dash. This time I awoke in the back of an ambulance with the cops asking me questions. All i recall is asking for my mom and screaming that I hated my uncle. For he was the one who was driving. And the same uncle who also thought I could swim at the year old mark.  All of this by time I'm 7.

I remember a lot of things from that point on. But I don't remember much before that. I feel as if parts of my life, I knew things that I should not know at such a young age. I remember feeling a lot of compassion for others. Feeling a lot of resentment for such the smallest of things. I remember at the age of 8 or 9, my grandmother and mother took me to the local YMCA for a Sunday movie. It was a movie called Joni, based on the real life events of a young girl who is a quadriplegic, due to a swimming accident. I remember the ushers at the Y asking my mom to keep my quiet or we would have to leave. Why? I was a young boy crying because someone I did not know had to struggle through life with a disability that made her almost want to kill herself. And i remember for the longest time after that, I was saddened when I would see on the news or read about such incidents in the papers. Hell, I haven't even hit puberty yet.

Over the years, I suffered more head injuries from sports and a few more accidents, none by the way in which i was driving. I can't count the number of times I've been knocked unconscious.

My reading comprehension was always low. But yet the harder the scientific issue or math issue was, I could do it. I could figure it out given enough time with out much help from others. BUT, the easier the problem, the more i struggled to find the common denominator to get to the finish line. Even to the point, they had me in special reading classes up til Jr High. I could sleep each day in science class and not hear a word the teacher said. yet take the quiz on Friday in class and almost ace. All without cracking the book. At one point, the teach accused me of cheating on the final. So in front of him, the superintendent and principal, i took an oral final exam and missed 4 questions. So they passed me.

And it's been almost a rinse and repeat effect through out the rest of my life up to now. Yet, I struggle to grasp some of the more common issues of life. I try to make sense of things but take the long way around park, when the entire time the answer is no more then a few feet from me.

I am no rocket scientist. Never went to Harvard or some other Ivy League school. Not a lawyer or politician or doctor. I'm just the average Joe that you see on the streets. Day by day i take it. But sometimes I wonder, if i the head injuries have some how messed with me? I wonder if somehow, I would have been less of a person then I am or if I would have been more?

I've had tests and scans done. But they never found nothing. Like they couldn't find the cause of my severe headaches that if not promptly subdued, would paralyze me until the did subside. Soon they did disappear. But they came back a few years ago. Just as strong.  I've been lucky though the last year or so. They've been dormant. Minus the occasional migraine or tension headache.

Anyway, to end this long ass rant/question... I guess I will always wonder if I couldn't have been different. Or even if I want to be different.


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January 24, 2012

Ghost Ridden Bike

So for the longest time now, eh, about 4 years. I've been wanting to rebuild a bike from back in my day that was to me, the second holy grail of 80's freestyle BMX history. It was the Day Glo Pink bike ridden at the time by Krys Dauchey.

The only female rider at the time to compete at pro level in the same competitions as the men. And of course, every teen boys wet dreams at the time. Though I did rebuild the same bike I had as a kid, 86' GT Pro Performer, there's always been 2 bikes I wanted to have.

But alas, things change. I won't sell my Pro Performer. But this Krys rebuilt bike has to go. I've sunk over $500 into it and it still going to take another grand or so to get all the parts and to get it powder coated. One expensive carpet queen there.

I was excited to find such an amazing group of people my age that still ride these bikes. Woman, men and their kids. Fun. Laughter. IT's what BMX was always about. But over the last few years, with health concerns, work and family, I've fallen out of it. I want to keep cruising around on my bike. But I miss those guys a lot. I just never thought I brought as much to the table as a lot of those guys did. So I guess i'm also to blame for the fall out.

However, the sport itself will always have a special place in my heart. Even though back in the day, we weren't doing double front flips or flairs. And street was all about technique and not a hi wire balance act of straight spin moves.


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January 22, 2012

In The Eye of The Beholder

A friend of mine asked me today, why a majority of my art is nothing but females. A question that I get a lot of times. And the answer is, I don't know.

I guess that over the years, I've watched people. Paid attention to their actions, their expressions, their being. And in the end, I find woman are more intuitive to show things that men can't.

Though woman have been known as "Life Givers", woman also have a way of showing more ranges of emotion then men. Another question that is asked a lot is what's your favorite part of the body of the other sex. My answer is always the same. The eyes.

When I look at a woman, the first thing I do is look into their eyes. Not just at them to see what color they are. But into them.  The eyes have always been said to be the window to that persons soul. A lot can be told about a person, if you can read their eyes.

When I do any art piece, i'm always looking for some kind of emotion. Be it happy, sad, indifferent. Rage, lust, passion, it's there. And the thing that I have found out over the years is, a woman can show one or more of these at the same time and not know it.

Don't take me wrong, I'm not some guy with insecure or infidelity issues. I like to look at a woman naked as much as the next man. But I see more. I see more range of emotions and expression in a woman with clothes on as I do with them off. Sometimes, I like to see a woman dressed more so then naked due to this fact.

Women hold power. Not weight lifting power, but power in general. The power to heal, hurt and love. The power to to bend things at will and the power to seduce all by looking. This is why I find the eyes the most attractive. Fluid movement of emotions.

Over the years, I've had to sketch both men and woman, clothed and naked for art classes. More time then not, I found myself starring the the lines, curves and the radiance given off by the woman then I did the man. And it always showed in the piece I was doing. Not some pornographic image. But shades of color, line thickness and shapes.

To be honest, I don't know why. I just find woman more inviting to create and establish something that others may not see. Call me nuts, call me what you may wish. But i guess the adage is true. That beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
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Maury Says, You're ........ The Father

Okay, this might get a little hard on me. And it is quite long.  Some of you may not understand. But after last weeks revelations, yet again, I get turned upside down.

Technically, I have three (3), yes count them, three fathers. My biological father, the guy who's name is on my birth certificate and the guy who took it upon himself to raise me knowing I was not his. With the later being the man whom I call dad.

As I was growing up, my parents (the last of the three men) split. I would spend sometime at my dads house during the summers. But the majority of it was spent at my moms. And for the longest time, up until I was a teen, I would blame my mom for their split, though i knew deep inside that was not the case.

During my years of growing up, another man came into my life that I did not know. He being my biological father. Or so it now seems to be not the case. The first time I met this man, he had a girl with him. A few years younger then me in fact. They were around for a summer. The girl and I played together a lot. But they never did stay at our house. This is a key point to this. One day, they just weren't there.

A few years later when i was a  young teen, he showed back up. But she was not with him. It was at this time, that I found out that this man was my biological father. It was at this time, that he showed something that some would try to assume was fatherly duties. Yet again, a very short time later, he was no longer there.

Being me, i was inquisitive. Still am, so I guess I learned young. I began asking and grilling members of his side of the family for years to get the truth. Only to be shunned, spurned and treated like I was the Son of Satan. During all these years, I would keep getting the same tidbits. So I had a life puzzle to put together with no clues. Hell, I always liked scavenger hunts. This one however, would take half of my life up to this point.

Back in 1997 while i was ending my college life, I was dating a girl going on 4 years. Out of the blue, this guy showed up again. By this time, both of us had an understanding who he was. But at this point I would not and could not call him dad, father or anything less then a dick. But we did get a long. It was at this time, he went with me to Ohio to pick up my girlfriend at the time, so she could come back to NY for Christmas that year to spend some time with me and my immediate family. Few days later, Houdini struck again. that was the last time I had seen him or spoken with him until last week. That covers a span of 15 years.

Now, during all this time. I was under the assumption that I had a sister. Where did I get that idea from you ask? Well, the little girl that he had brought with him the first time I met him. According to people on his side of the family, she was in fact my sister. Different mother, same father. I always wanted a sister. So during all these years, I would keep asking about her and when the internet finally became the norm, I kept trying to find her, based on what few clues of her name and possible locations I had. All to no avail.

Skip forward about 20 years. I logged into Facebook last week to post a image for stopping SOPA/PIPA. I hadn't been to Facebook in months. There was a message waiting for me, in which I thought it might have been a friend from the BMX world. No, It's was my sister. She had found me. I'm elated. Static and even overjoyed. We began to talk about our pasts. A lot of questions. She remembered things that only the two of us would know. Things we did as kids that one summer she was around.

I ended up calling her that night. And we have spoken a few times on the phone during all last week. Now, here's what really pisses me off beyond no end. After our first phone call, I find o ut that this father of mine, live about an hour away. And that he is on Facebook. (all of this is in another post on this blog)

Needless to say he emailed me. The content of this email was heart shattering to say the least. He states without doubt, that this girl is not my sister. That he is not her father. That his sister likes to make things up. And not to stop at the her level on that. Then he proceeds to tell me, that he may not be my father. That he had no reason to doubt my mother. And that while he was in the service around the years of my conception and birth, he wasn't in NY that often.

Talk about a slap in the face. All these years of a possible lie. All these years of false presumptions based on words from family, (supposed) family members. We had carried on our email conversation for a few days. in the end, he gave me his number to call him. My only reply was, "Don't be hesitant if I don't, after all it's been 15 years."

So I sent this email to my (sister?). And we have spoken a few more time and even had text conversations through the week. Some information, if in fact was true from  the supposed family members. In that she has had a hard time with drugs. More then once. Though I would love to help, that I long to help, i can't.  Not because she may not be my sister. For all intense and purposes, SHE IS my sister. And I told her that. Based on our conversations, she keeps referring herself as a total fuck up. She has to be willing first to help herself. Then and only then can I offer some morale support. But that's as far as it can go. Don't ask me why. As I sat here the other night and thought deep and hard to the point I started to cry. But that was the same answer I came back to.

I thought about all the consequences. And the consequences of those actions, and built a tree. And for some reason, all branches lead back to the same answer. And I can honestly say, I don't know why.

But be that it may, a part of my life in which stood an empty hole for so long has been closed. I found something that I had spent a better part of my life searching for. Now, whether or not it turns out to be the real thing or not, who knows. But to me, it is real. To me, sometimes a heart with stands the battle tested time of lies, deceit and emptiness. 

We may not ever be chummy buddies. Nor may we even see each other for a few more years, if ever. But the fact that I can speak with her means a lot.

As for my (father?), i might call him. I might even go see him. Why, call it curiosity. Call it what ever. I may even fork over the cash for DNA testing. If it comes out that he is my father, will my feelings change toward him? Probably not. Though I was raised by a single mom, she did the best she could to teach both my brother and I respect and love. But I find it very hard to both love and respect someone who doesn't show it in return. If he's not my father, then nothing changes. Regardless of either way it is, we won't be best pals. We won't go out for a drink or to a race. We will just continue the way we have for the last 20 or so years.

Call me ignorant. Call me what ever. But through my life's journey so far, I've become cynical with the best. I've learned to forgive where it can be forgiving. And in the end, I may forgive and forget. But a part of me will always be empty and hurt.
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January 18, 2012

Update:


So after 20+ years of not seeing my half sister, we spent about an hour on the phone. It wasn't all glitz and glamorous lights. Just a lot of questions. More so headed at me.  A lot of memories from the last time we did see each other and only things either of us would know. And a lot of wonders and curiosities.

There's more to come hopefully, but in the meantime, I am happy. But i'm also sad. Angry to say the least because of the history in our fathers side of the family. And the fact that she has not seen him in more time then I have. And it's been about 15 years for me.

The call did end up with her breaking down and crying. A lot to handle I suppose. We've both agreed to stay in touch. And I know there are more questions to come from both sides. As twenty years is a long time. And apparently I have a niece.

During our conversation, she did tell me that our father was on Facebook. hmmmm, bad mistake. But she knew nothing. I mean how could she after all these of not knowing me. Best of all, not knowing about me!  So I found him and sent him a message. It wasn't the go fuck off message that has been floating around in my head for 15 years. And it sure in hell wasn't the oh I miss you message. Just a message asking for answers. And come to find out, he lives an hour away. Oh what a small fucking world we live in.

Will I see him. Probably not. But who knows. It depends on the answers I get. As I've told him, I've grown past all the childish games. Guess we'll see when the time comes.

But at least, I found something tonight that I lost so long ago. A part of me that has been empty, wanting to know and hoping one day to get it back. Whether or not her and I continue to speak or not, I can partially close that hole now.


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Long Lost

I just got the biggest surprise ever. Not only did I start to cry, but I got scared at the same time. So what could bring a man to tears and make him cringe, other then the news of a pregnancy or that your better half accepted your down on one knee proposal?

My Sister!

Last time I saw her, we were both in jr high. We have the same father, but different mothers. She was never around that much. Always disappearing with her mom. But all of the relatives on that side never seemed to care. For her or for me. As we were some sort of curse on them. That whole side of the family, well it can rot in eternal hell for all i care.

However, I have been looking for her for over 20 years now. Each and every time, I would get the same answers from those jackass's. And never the right ones.

Tonight, i went to FB, which I haven't done in awhile, and uploaded the wiki image to see a friend request. Low and behold, there she was. I replied and asked her if it was in fact her.

I'm scared. I'm happy. i don't want to come off as some kind of nut. So i started a conversation, so now we'll have to see how it goes.

Two things tonight actually put me in a better mood. With this being the 2nd.

The conversation doesn't seem to be going where I thought it would. However, I can't expect her to remember me. And dropping a bombshell, "oh hi, by the way, I'm your half brother" doesn't seem to go over well. 
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Black out Day

So today begins the 24 hour marathon of Black Out Day. So what is Black Out Day? Well, it's the tech community and others who are against the SOPA and PIPA bills currently being looked at by the US govt.

Now there's been a lot of talk on the net for quite awhile now about both of these. So I'm not going to go into a long winded rant on this. But I will say, these bills MUST NOT PASS!

If you want to learn more about these bills, follow the links below.

Wikiepedia

Google

SOPA BILL

PIPA BILL



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January 17, 2012

On Strike

Trying to figure out why people in this house have an aversion to taking out the trash can when it's full, yet they can continue to stuff it full of shit until you can't fit no more in. I mean really, it's less then 20 feet from where the can sits to the garage with the cans that go to the trash man.

And what's worse, Is if the can can't be filled anymore, then someone walks out to the garage and dumps off a small bag of garbage full of shitty and pissy diapers from their kid.  So, we walk by a full garbage can to take out a bag? And to make it better, half the time, the bag they do drop off isn't closed. And most of it ends up on the floor.  Next time, the bag goes back in the room.

With a 9 year old and a 28 year old in the house. Is it to much to ask for to taking the fucking trash out instead of sitting on Facebook all day? One of these days, I just might throw out everything. And by that, I mean everything.
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January 16, 2012

Orchids of Seduction

So there's been a movie that's been sitting in my Netflix Que for sometime now. I just never got around to watching it. I have however, seen this movie multiple times years ago when I was younger. I mean, it's a teens wet dream. The movie? Wild Orchid with Mickey Rourke and Carrie Otis. 

So why was I watching this again? Don't know. It was there, so I pushed play. Well, I'm not trying to re-live my teens years that's for sure. Most of those years, bar one or two, I want to leave as far behind as I can. Also, it's not like watching porn. Well, maybe softcore. But who needs it? I'm married. Oh wait, sex is non-existent when you get married! For most anyway. 

Anyway, I remember when I was younger, that the movie showed me what living on the unknown could possibly be like. It showed me what passion and seduction could be. All with out a simple touch. It showed me something that I had longed for when I met the right girl. Remember, most of my teen years need to be left forgotten. 

There was once a time, back in college, that the girl that I was dating, we could have filed the roles of the two main characters in this movie. There were a few moments in our 5 year relationship that were as steamy as the last two love scenes in the movie.  And it only strengthened our relationship. Until it came time for us to part ways due to our studies. 

Since that time, I've been quiet on the western front. There have been a few times of sensual height, but never anything as close to those times with the young lady from college. The seduction, as we both seduced each other, the passion, the raw meaningful moments that make you feel like nothing you've felt before. Not knowing what was going to happen next, only to enjoy the sure happiness and pleasure. 

Watching the movie, It was if something awoke inside of me. Some that has long been buried. Feelings, urges to be re-explored and manifested into something that you can only feel at the right time. Something I have longed for for years. But, something that broke the mood when my wife spoke up and said, "All I see are tits, ass and screwing." I looked over and said, well, "It is an old Mickey Rourke film." She nodded. 

Way to ruin the mood. I was getting into the movie. Not because of the sex and nudity. Okay, well partially.  But into the atmosphere, the feeling I was getting looking into her eyes, her body language. The way he spoke, the way he was able to draw emotions with out touching. It was as if I was back to being with the girl from college. Maybe the wife picked up on that? That's why she made her comment. Though we've never discussed my past relationships, except one. And it wasn't like I was moaning and groaning on the couch or doing anything I shouldn't be doing.

So going back to my other post , I have been having this dream. A dream of a place that I've never been and probably will never be. With a person I've never fully seen their face. But it is someone I know, just don't know who. Doing things that were and all the way out of this movie. 

As it seems, even my current relationship is slightly strained. Seven years and going. But the spark that was once there seems to be a kindle ember now.  I guess in the end, it comes down to the fact that I lost something in me years ago. Something that I haven't been able to find. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. But  there is a part of me that is looking. A part of me that does desire to rekindle the passion in me. 


At times, I feel like the main character. At times, I cannot express myself in feelings. I cannot enjoy the pleasures by touching. The longing of something that I cannot physically or emotionally understand. But, like the main character in the end of the movie, I am hoping one day, that it will come back. The passion, the understanding. The ability to feel and know that all I have is here.
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January 15, 2012

Not Knowing

Growing up with ADD was a bitch. Especially in the 70's and 80's. For the most part, teachers thought you were just unruly. Can't tell you how many times I got physically punished in school for being bored and trying to find something to me that was constructive. Over the years, I've developed a good feeling for insomnia. Not as good as I used to when I was younger and could go 2-3 days on no sleep. As of the last 8 or so years, I can got maybe 48 hrs max. However, a 5 minute power nap and I'm good to go for another 8 hours until I crash from sheer exhaustion.

A lot goes through my mind during times like this. I don't want to do anything. No work, no creative tid bits. I don't want to talk to you and I don't want to hear a house full of screaming kids or people. No motivation for anything really.  I just want to be left a lone in solitude. Seems to be happening more and more lately. I know that's not good. I've been wondering if I don't have some form of depression. However, I won't be taking any meds for it if I do. 

I think of crazy things. I think of things I will never achieve or accomplish. People to be with that I will never have or don't exist. Situations that make me something I'm not. Why? I have no damn idea. Maybe it's to keep me grounded to what I do have and what's tangible for me. Maybe it's what makes me, well me. 

I took this personality exam that was floating around on Google+ from Myers Briggs. In the end it said I was an INFP. Basically an Idealist. So I did some research on the whole INFP thing. And from the reading, That's been me my entire life. Every aspect that I can recall from being young to now, it's always been based around the principles of what an INFP is.

And the more I think about it, the more it seems to be a curse as well. Because of the way I am. My softness for others. How easily I get attached to others. Not so much materialistic things. As they can be replaced. But I find myself a lot of times, trying for things I can never have. Places I can never be. Again, maybe it keeps me grounded to who I really am. And even that I'm not sure of right now.

As a kid, you try to find that niche to fit in at. I guess I've never found that. I'm kinda a jack of all trades and master of none. I always felt, the more I can know the better I can do. Sometimes it pays off. But for the most part, I'm always stuck in limbo. I know just enough but not enough.

It seems that way in relationships as well. Not just with my better half. But with friends too. I can't recall the last time I had an actual friend. Right now, at the age I'm at, I should have a few that we would get together occasional and go out for a night on the town, a ballgame, etc. That just isn't the case. It's not like I'm some lunatic. Guess priorities change as we get older. And Right now those are geared toward the home, work and bills. 

I think I need to find the confidence in myself. As I've always tried to put others before me. I'm not sure I would know how to put myself before someone else. Hell, I'm not even sure where to begin. And to be quite honest, I'm a little scared to. Scared, funny word that is. Because I haven't been scared of much of anything. But the more I think about what I just wrote, I can say with confidence, that I am. The more I look at it, I think I'm scared of me. But I'm not sure why. 

Guess I should start working on me. Find out who and what I am.






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January 12, 2012

Sleep o' Sleep, Where art Thou?

Back on these damn night shifts again. For 9 months i did the 5-2am shifts and totally screwed my sleep up. Then for 6 months i was getting out about 9. And now back to late nights. Again screwing my sleep up. 

One would have though that 5 years at the same company, you would get a better schedule. Seems the rules keep changing every month.

I've always been a night person. Always. But the older you get the more things you have to do during the day. So there are days i get by on 4 hrs sleeps. But there's some days I need my insanity sleep.
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January 5, 2012

Wind Carries the Words

Find it odd and funny. That back when I was a teen, Like a lot of other teens I had my angst's. I used to write a lot. It was dark, depressing. But I was writing. Now, I can barely get 2 sentences out of what i'm thinking.  I have had something on my mind for a long time. I've tried to write it and write it and it never IS what's on my mind. 


I was listening to a song tonight on Google Music. It sparked a little something. But nothing major. I wrote it down. Just wish I could get back to when I could write. Get what's floating around my head out of there. Maybe I would gain back some of my insanity.
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She's A Dream

Okay, so I've been watching too much Netflix on my Nook Color. Re-runs of Burn Notice. Gabriel Anwar is Hot. She is gorgeous. She plays with guns. She has an attitude. What more can a guy ask for????

Okay, my little kid wet dream is over now. Back to reality.
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It's A Bit Nippley Outside

So my company spent all this money to get a new heat/ac unit installed on top of our 7 story building. Now normally, we have a bout a week of cold weather in FL. It just so happens, it's this week. 

Now, for a new unit to be installed, one has to wondering if the fucking thing works. As half of the building is sweating their asses off. The other well, were freezing our asses off. To the point those that work int he same room as i do, were all wearing long johns and winter jackets all day. Some are even wearing beanie hats. 

I left a bottle of soda on my desk yesterday. It was still cold all day today. That tell you something? When it gets to about 50-55 degrees, my hands start to numb up. This is due to when I fell in ice fishing as a teenager.  And for the last 2 days, my hands have been numb. I've been running to the bathroom. Because as another cost saving idea, they  put 747 jet dryers in the bathrooms and removed all the paper towels. So I run my hands under that for about a minute, get some feeling back and im good for another few hours. 

Today, I had on a fleece pull over which normally keeps me warm by itself down to about 60. On top of that was my heavy ass suede jacket. And in the end, I was wearing my damn gloves. All while trying to type. 

I told my boss something needs to be done. And if it's like this on Friday, I'm not coming in. I can't sit there for 9 hour on the phone and freeze my ass off.


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