January 15, 2012

Not Knowing

Growing up with ADD was a bitch. Especially in the 70's and 80's. For the most part, teachers thought you were just unruly. Can't tell you how many times I got physically punished in school for being bored and trying to find something to me that was constructive. Over the years, I've developed a good feeling for insomnia. Not as good as I used to when I was younger and could go 2-3 days on no sleep. As of the last 8 or so years, I can got maybe 48 hrs max. However, a 5 minute power nap and I'm good to go for another 8 hours until I crash from sheer exhaustion.

A lot goes through my mind during times like this. I don't want to do anything. No work, no creative tid bits. I don't want to talk to you and I don't want to hear a house full of screaming kids or people. No motivation for anything really.  I just want to be left a lone in solitude. Seems to be happening more and more lately. I know that's not good. I've been wondering if I don't have some form of depression. However, I won't be taking any meds for it if I do. 

I think of crazy things. I think of things I will never achieve or accomplish. People to be with that I will never have or don't exist. Situations that make me something I'm not. Why? I have no damn idea. Maybe it's to keep me grounded to what I do have and what's tangible for me. Maybe it's what makes me, well me. 

I took this personality exam that was floating around on Google+ from Myers Briggs. In the end it said I was an INFP. Basically an Idealist. So I did some research on the whole INFP thing. And from the reading, That's been me my entire life. Every aspect that I can recall from being young to now, it's always been based around the principles of what an INFP is.

And the more I think about it, the more it seems to be a curse as well. Because of the way I am. My softness for others. How easily I get attached to others. Not so much materialistic things. As they can be replaced. But I find myself a lot of times, trying for things I can never have. Places I can never be. Again, maybe it keeps me grounded to who I really am. And even that I'm not sure of right now.

As a kid, you try to find that niche to fit in at. I guess I've never found that. I'm kinda a jack of all trades and master of none. I always felt, the more I can know the better I can do. Sometimes it pays off. But for the most part, I'm always stuck in limbo. I know just enough but not enough.

It seems that way in relationships as well. Not just with my better half. But with friends too. I can't recall the last time I had an actual friend. Right now, at the age I'm at, I should have a few that we would get together occasional and go out for a night on the town, a ballgame, etc. That just isn't the case. It's not like I'm some lunatic. Guess priorities change as we get older. And Right now those are geared toward the home, work and bills. 

I think I need to find the confidence in myself. As I've always tried to put others before me. I'm not sure I would know how to put myself before someone else. Hell, I'm not even sure where to begin. And to be quite honest, I'm a little scared to. Scared, funny word that is. Because I haven't been scared of much of anything. But the more I think about what I just wrote, I can say with confidence, that I am. The more I look at it, I think I'm scared of me. But I'm not sure why. 

Guess I should start working on me. Find out who and what I am.



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