January 15, 2012

Not Knowing

Growing up with ADD was a bitch. Especially in the 70's and 80's. For the most part, teachers thought you were just unruly. Can't tell you how many times I got physically punished in school for being bored and trying to find something to me that was constructive. Over the years, I've developed a good feeling for insomnia. Not as good as I used to when I was younger and could go 2-3 days on no sleep. As of the last 8 or so years, I can got maybe 48 hrs max. However, a 5 minute power nap and I'm good to go for another 8 hours until I crash from sheer exhaustion.

A lot goes through my mind during times like this. I don't want to do anything. No work, no creative tid bits. I don't want to talk to you and I don't want to hear a house full of screaming kids or people. No motivation for anything really.  I just want to be left a lone in solitude. Seems to be happening more and more lately. I know that's not good. I've been wondering if I don't have some form of depression. However, I won't be taking any meds for it if I do. 

I think of crazy things. I think of things I will never achieve or accomplish. People to be with that I will never have or don't exist. Situations that make me something I'm not. Why? I have no damn idea. Maybe it's to keep me grounded to what I do have and what's tangible for me. Maybe it's what makes me, well me. 

I took this personality exam that was floating around on Google+ from Myers Briggs. In the end it said I was an INFP. Basically an Idealist. So I did some research on the whole INFP thing. And from the reading, That's been me my entire life. Every aspect that I can recall from being young to now, it's always been based around the principles of what an INFP is.

And the more I think about it, the more it seems to be a curse as well. Because of the way I am. My softness for others. How easily I get attached to others. Not so much materialistic things. As they can be replaced. But I find myself a lot of times, trying for things I can never have. Places I can never be. Again, maybe it keeps me grounded to who I really am. And even that I'm not sure of right now.

As a kid, you try to find that niche to fit in at. I guess I've never found that. I'm kinda a jack of all trades and master of none. I always felt, the more I can know the better I can do. Sometimes it pays off. But for the most part, I'm always stuck in limbo. I know just enough but not enough.

It seems that way in relationships as well. Not just with my better half. But with friends too. I can't recall the last time I had an actual friend. Right now, at the age I'm at, I should have a few that we would get together occasional and go out for a night on the town, a ballgame, etc. That just isn't the case. It's not like I'm some lunatic. Guess priorities change as we get older. And Right now those are geared toward the home, work and bills. 

I think I need to find the confidence in myself. As I've always tried to put others before me. I'm not sure I would know how to put myself before someone else. Hell, I'm not even sure where to begin. And to be quite honest, I'm a little scared to. Scared, funny word that is. Because I haven't been scared of much of anything. But the more I think about what I just wrote, I can say with confidence, that I am. The more I look at it, I think I'm scared of me. But I'm not sure why. 

Guess I should start working on me. Find out who and what I am.






Share:

Categories

Adrenaline (1) Art (17) Bucket List (1) Buffy (6) Cars (1) Charles Boyer (1) Christmas (1) Classics (2) Collections (4) Computers (16) confusion (3) corporate greed (7) Design (8) Dreams (10) fantasy (4) Feelings (1) Forza 6 (1) Frustration (4) Fun (3) funny (11) games (1) Gaming (3) General (91) Google+ (3) greed (3) Halloween (1) health (12) Hedy Lamarr (2) Hollywood Classics (1) horror (5) Ignorance (7) imagination (3) Journalism (1) Life (77) macabre (4) Military (1) Minecraft (3) Monster Trucks (1) Movie (3) Music (9) Ouch (2) Photos (1) Politics (24) Rant's (110) Religion (3) Romance (2) Sad (13) School (3) Silver Screen (1) Speed TV (1) Sports (6) Stupidity (2) Tech (18) TV (4) unemployment (2) Weird (2) World (5) Writings (11) WTH (5)

Google+ Followers

Copyright © Alt+F4 | Powered by Blogger