February 28, 2012

You'll Shoot Your Eye Out

Ever have that one thing, that object of pure beauty that you know you needed yet couldn't have? Like a kid in a toy store. Though going down every isle, but always coming back to the same thing. It may not have all the bells and whistles of the other toys. But there was something about that one thing, that the kid saw so much beauty into, he had to have it. Yet he wasn't allowed to. So he would sit there day after day and dream about it. Think about it and fantasize about it.

Like the outdoors man, who's life long dream is the the hunt that brings every other hunter to their knees when they finally get the kill of the decade. The specimen that is so much of a beauty, that all drool over the idea of having the stories to tell.

I feel there's that object of beauty for each of us. Be it an object, a person or a place. Everyone dreams of things they can't have. I mean, even I want a 1968 Ferrari GT 250 California. But they will never happen. That's just one of those want's. But I think I have seen, or least in my minds eye, found that thing of beauty.

Something about it struck a chord so deep inside it's undeniable. Something about it that has me sitting and thinking, dreaming even fantasizing about it. At times I feel like Ralphie from The Christmas Story. So wanting the BB gun, yet every conscious voice is telling me I will shoot my eye out. Meaning so many different things in this case. Yet the comparisons can be seen.

So I guess I've been sitting here, wondering if I will ever get my Red Ryder, or if it's more or less a mirage playing tricks on me. Guess in the end I can say, if it was meant to be, it will happen. But then I have to ask, why so much internal agony and struggle until that answer comes forth?

February 26, 2012

Racism, Labels and Life

Racism has been around for as long as I can remember.  And to be honest, I think as long as there humans walking this planet, it will always remain. Just if different degree's.

Personally, I'm not racist. Well, by the sense of the word in all major dictionaries. I'm an equal opportunist I guess, as there are groups or certain people that I dislike in every race. But I feel no one race is above the other.

Example, my grandfather, full blooded Seneca Indian up in NY.  He hates and will have nothing to do with black people, African American, how ever you want to put it, (I am in no way PC either. But I wont use the "N" word). He has stated time and time again, when a young black family lived below him down the road, that if their house ever caught fire or they got stuck out in the snow he wouldn't stop to help. An awful lot of hatred coming from a man where his land and ancestors were persecuted by white man. And yet he married a white woman and has a lot of "half breeds" as kids and grand kids.

So what brought this post about? Well, yesterday I had gone out and washed the car. Afterwards, I had stopped at the gas station to fill up and my tires needed air.  Now being me, I try to help others a little from time to time. A young black woman had approached me, asking me if I would give her a ride down a ways and she would  give me five dollars for doing so. At first I was hesitant. Mainly because I could smell the booze on her. But then I pushed it all away and told her to get in.

So as were driving, which her destination was on my way home, she made a call to get exact directions. I turned the radio down and was watching street signs. As we made our way through this neighborhood, it reminded me a lot like the neighborhoods from the movie Boyz in The Hood. I mean, were in FL, but the yards, the houses all looked like they came straight out of the movie, (one of my favorite movies by the way).

Anyway, At each stop sign we came to, there were always at least 4-5 young black guys in each lawn. All standing around drinking beer. All starring at me, probably wondering why I was driving through. At one stop sign, one fairly large man started to approach the car. After making eye contact and nodding, probably stupid idea, i proceeded through the intersection.  Not at a fast pace, but not crawling either. I mean, what did I have to worry about? At most if anything were to happen, if all of these people wanted to live up to societies standards of how they live and act, I would have gotten my ass beat and my car stolen. Worse case, shot or stabbed. But I've dealt with worse. Anyway, I dropped her off at her location. And as she was getting out of the car, she never did offer me the five dollars. However, she paused for a moment when I told her to have wonderful evening and to smile.

As I drove out of the neighborhood and back to the main road, I just kept looking around. Seven times out of ten, on any given day, I can drive by this area on my way to work or from work and always see multiple cop cars down here with their lights on. I never think about anything, and just keep driving.

As I hit the main road, an old memory came back to me. One that had me scared shitless as a kid. I'm talking 5th grade kid. Back then, my mom had married a guy she went to school with. The ass was in the Army and was stationed in VA at Ft Belvor. I was to start the 6th grade on base. So one weekend, my mom and the ass drove down so she could get directions and the following week, we were to head down.

Fast forward to the sunny afternoon in DC. Mind you, this is the early to mid 80's. My mom took a wrong turn off the freeway and we ended in downtown DC in a bad neighborhood. So here is a single white woman, with a young boy in the passenger seat and a baby in the back seat. In a green Pontiac towing a small Uhaul trailer. She had stopped at a red light and this is where i started to flip out. Because on all four corners there were prostitutes, black men, etc. And coming from a very small conservative area in NY, you didn't see this. Only in the movies. And every black man started walking toward the car.

I told her to forget the red light and go. She asked why, I pointed out her window and there was a very tall, well built black man about three feet from her door and you could see the gun under his spring jacket. She hit the gas, made a hard turn left through the red light and down to the next block. Putting the Uhaul trailer up on one wheel, I remember her saying it if tips, we leave it. We came to the next intersection just as the light turned red. She didn't stop. Hard turn left and we were headed back toward the throughway. I could see the White House off int he distance. Needless to say, I was scared beyond belief. As was she. But we made it to VA just fine, trailer in tact.

Over the years, I've grown up with friends that are black, Hispanic, Italian and other races. I even dated a wonderful black girl in college for a little while. And during all these years, I've had my share of issues with people from all these races. But not once, did I ever think myself, my race or any other race was above that of another. I may have labeled a few people as "trash." Due to how they act, carry themselves, etc. But never that I was better then them.

What I find funny is the bitching and complaining that comes from certain groups of people. Their actions in society seem to make society reflect negative things on them. One has to wonder that instead of robbing gas stations, breaking into pawn shops and apply themselves, if they would not live the lives they do and make something useful of themselves. That if society would have a better look and a lot of the tensions and second thoughts would just go way.

Dislike me if you will, as I'm not a racist. But an equal opportunity hater. Instead of taking the easy way out, instead of robbing, killing and rapping people. Work to get yourself out of those situations and no one will look negatively upon you. Life's a bitch and always will be.


February 22, 2012

Music and Reflections

Been in and out of it for most of the day. Slept for a good portion of it. And the pain from the extraction is minimal now. But I'm so tired.

Back in high school when ever i was depressed or not myself, I would always play Floyd's The Wall. For some odd reason, the album always cheered me up. While everything else would drive me deeper. 

So I loaded the album in Google Music and posted something writing on my other blog and just have been sitting here listening to the the music. I started to recall all the bullshit I've gone through in my life.  Always on the outside looking in.

For the most part, people say when your bullied all the time when your a kid, you tend to turn out like those that bullied you. Yes, I may have violent thought at times. But never once acted out on them. More or less, releasing the anger from with in. I think I've spent the better part of my life, protecting those or at least trying to, that grew up like I did. Be it directly or indirectly.

I guess now the time in my life has come, that though, I still feel the need to protect or help others, I need to think more about myself. Guess since I've done so much for others with out asking for anything, I've been looking for a little bit of acceptance.

Whether it's sharing my idea's and thoughts, my knowledge or working hard. I'm kind of tired of popularity contests and second guesses. I will always share what I have. But now I think it's time for me to really think about me.  Just tired of being black and blue inside. 

So with that, I'm going to bed. Regardless of sleep or not.


February 20, 2012

Popularity Contest

Guess to have friends, one is blessed. To have acquaintanceship one is privileged. Being on a popularity contest site like Google+, It's like being back in Jr High. When trying to make friends, one has a tendency to go over board.

Even when being yourself, sometimes it's not enough for others. SO you tend to ignore those people.

It's hard to find others with the same common goals and interests are you. But when you do, you want to share idea's and thoughts. You want to have intelligent conversations between the little quips. Sometimes it works out. Sometimes it don't.

You want to make friends other then your co-workers. Whom for the most part are just that, co-workers. You might go out for a drink or two from time to time. But that's about where it stops.

When you do find someone you connect with, even in a small way, you try to hang onto that. Sometimes going over board. Sometimes not doing enough.

In the end, i guess everyone is looking for that one person they can call a true friend. Be it on line or the person next door.


February 19, 2012

Re-occurring Pain

Everyone gets headaches from time to time. All by various reasons. I've had my fair share. As I get older, they seem to be more dominant over me. Like a hot brunette in leather with whips and chains.

Back when i was just hitting my teen years, I had my neck broken in a wrestling tournament. It took awhile for recovery, but I got through it. And from that point on, I had an on going headache for about 3 years. Always in the base of my neck. Went through all the scans and treatments, but they could only determine that the disk in my neck kept sliding and punching a nerve. It got to the point that if it got too bad, it would paralyze me until the pain resided. Thank god in the 3 year time period that happened only about 4 times.  But again a few more time later in life. One day I woke up and I was headache free. Man did i celebrate. I actually went on a few more years with no headache.

As time has gone on, the tension headaches have grown in pain. And the sinus headaches? Well let's say Lizzy Borden has nothing on me.

This past week, I've been fighting with an infected tooth. Need less to say, I have come grown accustomed to a high pain tolerance. Usually a tooth will be uncomfortable until the pain level reaches an 8 on a 1-10 scale. Needless to say, I do have an appointment on Tuesday to have it pulled. However, this weekend was something else. I've been fighting not only a tension headache but a sinus headache at the same time. The pain for awhile hit the 10 mark. I was icing my head down with a cold pack because the medication just refused to work.

This weekend the pain just wore me out. And I mean wore me out. I haven;'t felt this bad since, well I can't remember when. I've slept a good portion of the weekend. And my body feels it, as it's hurts to move. As I type this, I'm still tired. I had about 7 hours sleep. Normally I can go on 4 with a 10 min power nap sometime through the day. But I'm mentally and physically gone.

I've gone through more test over the years to find out why I have re-occurring headaches. Only thing they've found was other then wasps, I'm allergic to dust.

I have become more concerned though in the last few years. Mainly because after a good fight with the headache, depending on pain level and length of time it hangs around, I change a bit. Kind of hard to explain.  y short term memory, almost like I have Alzheimers to a point. I've also noted that if I get upset or pissed, if I try to speak, my mouth quivers and i can't say anything. When the pain is there for more then a few hours and begins to wear me out, I go to this dark place. I don't want to speak to no one, don't want to hear no one. I just get beyond moody. More so then a ranting woman on her period. I just want to be left alone in solitude until it passes. But that never happens.

now I've gone back to the Dr's for this, ran more tests. can't find anything. Some are wondering if I imagine this. Kind of hard to imagine this when there is a phone recording of the quivering mouth and my stuttering from work. 

One thing that concerns me about the headaches is the end result. Not the result of taking meds for them. But the fact that when a person has a headache, the blood vessels in the brain swell up. A lot different then a sinus infection, but the cavity swells on those, so it's close. And if a person goes through too much of this, what kid of recourse does it have on the brain? If the blood vessels or the brain itself swells too much almost on a regular basis, how does it effect the person? I mean all CAT scans have been negative, but it has to be doing something internally. Something that can't be picked up by the scans. Or it's possible that it's altering the brain function?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a vegetable, and I don't act like im autistic. Those people actually act better then I do on most days! But can re-occurring headaches and the constant swelling of the brain actually damage a person?

February 17, 2012

Compliance? Comply This!

Okay, im young. Only 38. But for as long as I can possibly remember, the little jack on the wall in your home that you use for phone service has always been called "phone jack." The cable used to connect to that same jack has always been called a "phone cable."

If you go to Radio Shack, Walmart, K-Mart or any other place that you can buy these, the packages themselves read phone jack and phone cable or phone cord.

Why's this a big deal right now? Let' me explain a little...

DSL is a technology service that delivers inter net access across "phone" lines. Copper wire for the most part. But there is also fiber. Which at one point still comes across the copper "phone" wire. Now I work for a Telecom as tech support for internet. Which one? Won't tell ya.

Anyway, the majority of people I have the pleasure of speaking to on a daily basis are so confused at the most simplest of things, it astounds me that this country has survived as long as it has. Now, according to a new memo from up top, we are no longer allowed to call the "phone jack" that was installed a phone jack. Nor are we allowed to call the "phone cable" that comes with our dsl modem and can be purchased at any damn store just about in this rock we call home, a phone cable.

They have to be called a DSL Cable and DSL Jack. Okay. Point taken. Please do a Google search for DSL cable. You don't get the standard phone cable that is required for the modem to connect to the "phone jack." What you do get is a Cat5/6 cable. There's a big difference.  Now, if your "phone cable" is broken, not working, etc and it needs to be replaced, I am now supposed to tell you to go purchase a new DSL cable. I'm ready to make a wager what you come back with. And i'm ready to make a bigger wager that what you come back with won't work.

This is because of something called CPNI. Which our corporate terms are CPNI is used to offer products to a customer. Problem, I'm not offering you a product. I'm trying to fix your internet connection.

I can see my conversations here on out...

Ma'am, I need you to take that cable that plugs into the back of your DSL modem and plug it into the plate on your wall that allows you to talk into a talk box and have conversations.

There is a big difference between a phone cable and a Ethernet (cat 5/DSL)  cable. When a customer that calls in, and doesn't know the difference between a phone cord and a power cord, this is going to cause a lot more issues.

Fucking corporations. I hate them worth a passion.

February 14, 2012

Ding Dong...

So, for any of you who have been following these rant's I call life, which isn't a hell of a lot of you, know that for over a year now, my wife's nieces daughter has been living with us with her two children since her mom passed. It's been a little over a year of hell. I'm not going to re-hash a lot of it, go read some and you'll find out.

However, the good news is she is gone!! She moved out this past weekend. I almost did a cartwheel. But decided against it as I'm a little out of shape and didn't want to twist an ankle or something.

After she moved out, I went around looking at damages. There's quite a bit. Like a broken bed of mine that she was using. It's wasn't a cheap bed either. A load of garbage under the bed. Some mildew on the rug. Tack holes through out the bedroom. Five years living here and things were always clean. Now the bathroom she used all the time is full of black mold around the tub and shower light fixture. Her oldest had a habit of tearing at the wallpaper in the bathroom so that will have to be all re-done.  I've already replaced the closet door in her bedroom as the other one would no longer close.

I came home form work last night to find out she had stopped by. For what ever reason, I don't know, didn't ask. But i did find out that she may not be staying in the place that she just rented. WHY? First off, she was waiting to get her taxes back before she moved out. She worked maybe 3-4 months all of last year. Think she should have applied to Facebook for a job as that's where she spent all of her time.

Anyway, She owed us a little over $1,000. She bitched and griped she had to give that to us, but she did. This left her with over $1,000 of her own. After paying the first months rent, no security required, she is flat broke. She's one of those people that all she does is shop. Regardless if she has bills due, money in her pocket. She just shops. Only if we are able to recovery everything that's come up missing since she moved in. Then things would get a little better.

So back to her new place. Apparently she never checked this place out. According to her, the toilet don't flush, the stove don't work and there is a hole in the floor in the hallway. Hello McFly... some common sense here? Apparently she told the landlord he had a week to fix it or she was leaving and demanding her money back.

All I know is, she IS NOT coming back here. I'm not a violent man nor do I hit woman. But I'll bounce her ass down the road. No questions asked.

So with all the work to do in and around the house now, guess I'll be using a few vacation days for some extra work time around here. Included will be some of the extra stuff not related to her cyclone.

Three days of quiet when I've gotten up and went to bed. No screaming kid, no hellacious venom mouth. No attitude, just peace and quiet. Now to get back to a normal life, if that exists.

February 10, 2012

Don't Preach

According to this customer im speaking with, she had asked me what religion i am. I hate these convo's. I told her i am undecided. She asked me what i was raised as, i said Methodist, which is true. She then proceeded to tell me that i have issues with work. That i need to re-read the bible. 

Problem is, I've read the bible. New and Old Testament. I Don't care. It's a great story.

Every time i try to interrupt her, she just keeps going on and louder. i can't hang up, it's against work policies and can get written up for it.

I dont mind the occasional discussions on religionS. However, i hate being preached to. Nothing worse to me, then forcing religious beliefs on me.

Made the mistake once and told a guy who kept preaching to me, when he asked me what i was, i said satanist. Yeah....not only did i get written up, but that provoked him i swear he caught fire in his house.

Lie to me, beat me, steal from me. Don't preach to me. 


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