March 3, 2012

Pain In The Ass, Litteraly...

So, I've had some very minor problems with hemorrhoids for years. Since I was a kid, always had some small issue with bowel movements. Yeah, this isn't something you want to hear. Oh well, close the page!

About 9 years ago, I had an issue where i woke up one morning and ended up in the Dr's office that afternoon because the pain had been bad and something was growing out my ass. That was a first. I thought somehow the night before after watching the first Alien's movie, they somehow managed to transpose themselves to my ass through the TV. I didn't know what was going on.

I ended up walking to the Dr's office. Only a few blocks from my house. As my car was in the garage getting needed repairs and no one in my family would run me up. I looked like the penguin from Batman waddling up the street. Still pissed to this day because I can remember how damn painful that was. Anyway, once at the Dr's and laying half naked on his table, he began poking and prodding my ass. Told him, once more and he's going to be wearing my shoe in his ass! He told me what it was and how to help it. Got a little annoyed that I asked him what it really was. I mean, I heard about hemorrhoids all my life. Only had some slight issues like minor swelling on those days that one could not get anything to happen.

But at this time, the internet was just becoming an everyday home thing, so I wasn't sure what caused them. other then straining and pregnancy. and I sure and the hell was pregnant. He just said it was a blood clot. Yeah, my ass is dying because of a blood clot! He told me to use Preparation H and sit in a luke warm tub for about 20 mins a few times a day and they would be gone in a few days.

Well, two days ago, I woke up like normal feeling fine. About half way through the day, my ass started to itch. Started to wonder if I had pissed off the wife and she put itching powder in my underwear. During lunch break I went to use the restroom and gave myself a discreet examination. Sure enough, I had a small egg growing out my butt. It was getting to the point it was starting to get aggravating. And the chairs at work were going to do nothing to help. So i made it through the rest of the evening and came home.

Soaked in the tub and used some cream. Woke up yesterday morning and the little egg had gotten bigger. Painfully bigger. I ended up taking the day off of work, because I couldn't sit and I couldn't stand. Only thing I could do was lay on my stomach. And that's not good for me, as my back will start to hurt. Well ain't I just fucked over here. So through out the day, I took a bath and used the cream. At one point, I thought it was slowly going away. But as of last night and actually using the bathroom, KAPOW, holy mother of pearl batman! I think the gates of hell opened up with the words that came out of my mouth. 

So my wife was riding my ass all night last night, you need to go to the walk in clinic. I kept asking for what? They will tell me the same thing my old Dr told me years ago, use the cream and warm bath for a few days to see if it goes away. Take some over the counter pain relievers to help with the pain and we'll go from there. 

So were just a hair over 48 hours of actually issues. And from the feel of it, it hasn't gotten any smaller. Doesn't help that when walking or sitting it's putting pressure on it. And I can't lay down all day. So I may end up calling the Dr on Monday to get an appointment. What's the worse thing that can happen? He tells me he has to lance my ass? Bastard better dress up like a white knight then!

I am supposed to go to a wedding reception this evening. About an hour's drive away. Yeah, if I'm forced to go, heaven and hell will be quaking with the words that are silently coming out of my mouth. Right now, I'm sitting on one of the pillows from the couch. It's so soft, you could drop a carton of egg's on it and they wouldn't shed a tear. Me on the other hand, I think I shed a few last night!

I've been saying I would get back to the gym for a month now. As for the last nine years, i've held an office job where i sit all day. Not good. I don't exercise like I used to. As it's hotter then hell in the summers and even the two hours it takes me to do the lawn, takes its toll on me. Mainly because it's about 100 degrees with 100% humidity in the summer here.  So during the summers I don't do much but swim and lawn work. Winter is a bit different. 

Anyway, I need more exercise. I'm not that out of shape or over weight. Last time i checked, I was 9 1/2 pounds over. Still trying to figure out how being 6'3" and 224lbs is over weight. But what ever. So after this little ordeal, I will be hitting the gym. 

But until then, I think the Easter Bunny came a little too soon. And he needs to take back what he left!



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