April 5, 2012

Lucky One?

Someone over at G+ had posted something about bullying. About how physical bullying is more hurtful then the mental bullying. Though it was this persons opinion, I had to disagree.

Having been bullied most of my life, I had been through both the physical and the mental abuse. I was the nerdy pimply faced kid that everyone picked on. Always picked last on the playground. The one everyone thought they would catch some rare disease from if they touched me. And it wasn't just the guys, but the girls as well.

Not long into my Jr year of high school had I had enough and snapped. The rest, well, let's say it's history and it's why i detest violence, though i was beaten a lot.

But I remember one incident, that to this and everyday will stick in my mind. By this time i was a SR in high school. Had grown out the long hair. Matter of fact it was Afro sized! I started to hang out with more people, and started to finally be accepted for little bit of comfort offered. I even started dating girls. All the time I was thinking, why do they want to go out with me? all those years of mental abuse, the, "You'll always be a looser, your nothing" statements were always popping up. I always seemed to be on my guard all the time, never enjoying what was in front of me. Then "IT" happened.

I was dating a girl from our rival school. Due to growing up with everyone in my school since the beginning of grades, I knew all those girls. And all the rejections, ridicule, etc that had been bestowed upon me. So I never dated anyone from my school.

Anyway, This girl Brenda and I had been dating for about 3 1/2 months. We were always at each others house. Always together at the parties, etc. Then one day in school, (vocational school required by NY Law at the time), one of her friends came up and told me she no longer wanted to date me because she was back with her ex. Her friend went on to say, that she only dated me to make her ex jealous. And that she thought I was a total looser and she couldn't get the stench off.

Needless to say, I started to loose it. I had advised her friend to have both of them meet me back at my school afterwards so this could come out in the open from her. But they never showed. The next night after school, I was in my room when my brother had come up and said Brenda was outside with some people and wanted to speak with me. My mom, who was downstairs saw the look in my eye and already knew what had happened. Her only words were, "not in front of your brother." I heard her, but those words went in one ear and out the other.

By the time I had walked out of the door and halfway down the driveway, I was enraged. I wasn't seeing clearly, and everything was red tinged. I could hear my little brother yelling to me from the kitchen doorway, but I couldn't understand him. I didn't want to.

As i approached the car, she had rolled her window down and repeated everything her friend, who was sitting next to her, told me the day before. At this point I so wanted to rip her from her seat and tear her apart. But I've never layed a hand on a woman and I wasn't going to start. I do remember calming down. And I do remember asking them to nicely leave. At that point I felt someone bump into me and as I turned, it was my little brother. I knew nothing could be started now.

Well, that was the plan anyway. The last thing I remember was Brenda's boyfriend calling me a useless looser and laughing some smug ass laugh like you would see in some corner B movie. I snapped. Told him if he had anything to say, then to man up and say to my face. I saw the car door open and pushed my brother back. In the process he skinned his elbow on the gravel on the roadside and started to cry. After all he was only 7. The guy never made it out of the car on his own accord.

I'm not going to go into what happened. But I will say that assault charges were brought up. But someone got them dismissed. To this day, I do not know who.

So why did this history of violence come back to me after reading a post of bullying? I think it has a lot to do with the fact that mental bullying can be far more dangerous then just the physical aspect. But at the same time, it all depends on the individual as well. But it also reminded me so much of why I hated life at that time. And maybe that everyone was right, that I was useless. It was two nights later that I tried to take my life.

I was scared. I even screwed that up. I still have the scar on my wrist. And it reminds me every time I see it, that no matter how bad it gets, no matter what people say, their not worth it. Their not worth my time, my energy or my acknowledgement. They may still piss me off. But having been through what I've been through, the beach is warmer on the other side.

I have come along way since then. I've got a nice lady in my life. I have two wonderful nephews, what used to be an awesome job. But there are times, that my mind slips back and I can see these people yelling, punching and screaming at me. Then I open my eyes, look around and smile. I was one of the lucky ones. I have my battle scars. But they made me stronger. And made me the caring person I am today.



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