May 13, 2012

Reflections

People deal with things a lot differently then the others around them. Whether its joking at a funeral or the loss of a loved one, or hiding their true emotions, people have different ways to deal with their inner self. And it wasn't until this weekend that I realized, I had lost faith, belief and love in myself.

As I was standing in the shower this evening, I broke down for the second time this weekend and I started to cry. I  have been so lost and confused for the better part of this last year and a half, that it all finally came crashing down on me. And for the first time in a very very long time, I felt as though I were drowning inside.

Every once in awhile, a person comes along into your life and you connect. You become great friends. You laugh together, you cry together and you get through the thick and thin together. This, had happened to me not to long ago. But be it, in the real world or on the internet, people are real regardless of whether or not you can see their face as we all have true feelings, this person came to me through the internet.

The more this person and I had communicated, we had "clicked." This person helped me through a lot of rough times, internal struggles and more. But during this time, I had failed. I had failed myself. I had failed to realize what I was and who I was. And in the end, it was this person whom I failed most of all.

You see, as we go through life, we all experience different things. Some good, some bad and some that have lasting effects on us. We all learn to cope with these things in our own way. My way was to always hide. What I mean by that is, to hide from myself. And there has been a lot going on personally, work and at home that has just built up over time. And I was hiding from it. Only to talk to this person to find comfort.

I was never one to talk to someone to discuss my feelings or emotions. Especially to those involved. Over the years, I've opened up and started to do what I had hid from for so many years. Though I am still struggling to express to those involved.

This weekend when it all came crashing in one me, I had told this person I could no longer have this friendship.  Reason being, I failed. I was lying to myself. I was manipulating myself into believing something was happening, though it was not. And I feel it was because I could trust and confide such deep personal emotions into this person. I was hurting myself inside, that I could no longer take it.

After the events, I had realized I just made an even bigger mistake. I just now, truly fucked up. As I got out of the shower this evening, I wiped the steam from the mirror and stared into my reflection. I watched as my tears rolled down my cheeks. And I saw an emptiness, I had never seen before in my eyes. And I wondered if I could ever restore what had just been broken.

I have since apologized to this person. Whether or not this person gives me a second chance, that's up to them. And I fully understand if they don't.  But I know now, that I need to work on me. I need to restore the faith I once had in myself. I need to start loving me again. Once I can do that, then I know I will be a better person as I once was.  The person that would give and never ask for anything in return. The person that would offer a helping hand just because I could.

I'm posting this publicly because like a lot of other real world issues, such as drug addiction, alcoholism, you have to take the first step and admit. Though this is nothing as harsh as the aforementioned ,  I still need to admit, I need to start in believing in myself again.

Just like everyone else, I deal with things the way I know how to. But now it's time to learn a new way of dealing. But I cried enough today, more so then I cried when my grandmother passed away just a few months ago, that I'm tired.

In the end, we cannot forget who we are and what makes us. For if we do, life becomes harder then what it needs to be. And innocent people get hurt.

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