June 20, 2012

A Little AA?

So a friend put it bluntly. I'm too damn bitter and angry all the time. Point is, she is correct. For as long as I can remember, I've spent more time carrying about others well being then my own. I've done what i could for others before myself. And during this time, I've never asked for anything in return.

But for awhile now, mostly the last three to three and a half years, things have gotten to the point that i've become an angry bitter person. I am surrounded by a lot of negativity at my job and for awhile at home. And in turn, it's taken it's toll on me.

A toll so much, that I actually had a melt down and hurt this friend in the process. Something I never would have done before. Guess I finally found something I didn't know how to handle. And i made choices that were not of best intentions.

So my friend told me enough is enough. It's time to start with me again. And I agree. Now, I just need to figure that out. How does one go from so many years of caring and putting others first, to putting oneself first? How does one go about telling people no, in order to keep oneself happy and even just content? I've always been a great listener. But I never listened to myself.

Is there a 12 step program? Is there a hotline? Or is it something one has to do alone or go about it with a little push from friends?

To be 100% honest, this bitterness, this anger, it's not me. Yes, everyone has their days. But day in and day out? No. So I guess I will have to take it one day at a time.

I think I have hit the boiling point. Something my friend had said just today, made me think about it. As yesterday, my Xbox account was hacked and over $100 in charges occurred to my bank account. Was i mad? Yes. Was I pissed? No. I actually laughed. I've been laughing about it all day today. But it's a sadistic laugh. Any normal person would be irate. I am not. So something is not right. But despite this issue and what's happened in the last few days, I've been in a good mood. Unexplained!
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