June 18, 2012

Messed up Fathers Day

So i called my dad yesterday to wish him a happy fathers day.  he sounded like he was glad to hear from me. but then the tone kinda went under as he told me he had back surgery 2 weeks ago.
He didn't tell me, as he didn't want to upset me then. but as a result of this surgery, if it doesn't heal right, he may never work again. come to find out, he has a degenerative disease that decays the spinal bones. and it may come sooner rather then later, he may never be able to walk again.

Every since his mom died the week of my birthday last year, he's been in the dumps. he's kinda in the same boat as im in. work wise anyway. he's held 3 jobs in the last 40+ years. he's that dedicated, but at the same time he knows what comes first.

Then during this conversation, it came out about my breakdown awhile ago, you remember that right?! Anyway, he said he's sorry that he isn't able to help me right now. WTF????
Isn't it me who should be helping him? i mean after all, it was him who bought me my first two cars when i couldn't. it was him who sent me money in college for meds after a few days int he ER when no one else could or would. It was him, who took it upon himself for 37 years, to raise me as his own child, knowing I wasn't.

His only blood child is living back with him now to help around the house. and he will need it come fall to do all the wood and what not.
I knew one day, i would have to help take care of my parents. but it feels too soon. im only 38. my moms struggling to survive. now this.

I feel lost again. feel like i can't do enough. the job market in NY state is 10's worse then it is here. the politicians are doing everything they can to drive people out while the taxes go through the roof. and that whole area has some "spell" over it. as it just brings you down.  that's why i was glad i got out when i did.
I was always good at handling stress. but i guess not good enough because of what happened last time. im afraid i might break again. just because i know there's nothing i can do to help those that have helped me all these years.

You know. life sucks the biggest, smelliest pair of fucking monkey balls there is. and if this is, some kind of test, well i have a pair of size 12 feet that im going to turn sideways and put up someones ass and make them smile while i do it.

I can't help but feel helpless when not only am i struggling to get by again. but my close friends (which there are like 2 or 3) and my family. i was raised a lot better. but i just don't know what to do anymore.
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