February 18, 2013

Is There Anyone In There

Feel so cold inside. Like an empty shell. There's bodies around but all they seem to do is take up space. I've forgotten what love is. What it feels like.  Thought it was coming back to me, but I was wrong. Day in and day out, I drudge on in this existence not knowing where I am. More important, who I am.

I haven't had any friends since we all separated and went our ways some ten years ago. Its hard to find people into what I like, unless their some pre puberty teen. Then, they don't even know what is coming. They're just happy with their cards and games.

I've always yearned for something more. Something I could never put my finger on. Adventure. Travel, exploration. Finding out what lies inside my head. More importantly, I've yearned for someone to do this with. Someone who can almost think like I do. But more so, show me love. Let me in. Let me into myself even. Someone to let me love them, yet they show love back.

Guess I ask for too much. Thought I found such a person. But it was smoke and mirrors on my part. Foolish I was. It had been about 15 years since I had those feelings. But these feelings were a ruse in themselves. Nothing, no one was there. No one that I could touch anyway.

In feel as though my life hasn't been what it could have been. I am nothing more then a puppet to those who really have no sure of dignity. What morales they have, need to brought into question. Not to mention their ethics.

People always want and not give. I am always giving and wanting but not receiving. I always give myself, my strength, my sanity. And a majority of the time there isn't even so much as an thank you.

Half my life is over and I still haven't accomplished much of anything I set out to long ago. There's so much stuck in my head, I have yet to figure out how to get it out. I'm stuck in my head. No escape. No sign of an opening. The one glimpse I thought i saw, I missed.

Just wish there was someone or something out there that could hear me. Understand me. Because I sure as hell can't.

As I lay here and write this, a million thoughts invade my mind. But they are so interwoven, I cant make heads or tales. My eyes are falling shut, yet my mind is racing full bore.

Let's see how long I can last. More to come....

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