August 17, 2013

F.E.A.R.

It's been quite some time since I've posted anything. Between work and home, I've been so mentally exhausted, that I really haven't felt like it. But I have been keeping a journal of sorts.

Yesterday was a first for me. What I thought was an anxiety attack, something in which I've had already, turned out to be a full blown panic attack. It scared the hell out of me. I tried everything I knew to try and calm myself down. Breathing, meditation, but nothing worked. It got to the point, I couldn't even swallow my own saliva. Total feeling of no control. In the end, my boss drove me to the hospital and stayed with me until they checked me in. Even then, I couldn't even remember my information to give to the clerk. He even came and got me when they let me go, so I could get my things from work.

I've never experienced anything like that before. I've had the butterflies or emptiness in my stomach before from various things. Jumping from planes, auto derbies, etc. I've even felt the helplessness, when a cousin went into a seizure and stopped breathing in my arms. But yesterdays events took on a whole new meaning of fear. Guess that's why it's called a panic attack.

My Better half goes through them, but she's had them since she was little. And I've helped her through some very bad ones. And she scares me sometimes with those really bad ones.

I ended up falling asleep last night around 11, and didn't get up til about 10 this morning. I'm still tired and exhausted. I ended up taking today off. mainly because I'm afraid if it happens again. Which my dumb ass thought about it, and I started to feel the butterflies again. Stupid fuck. So I laid down on the couch and started mantra breathing. Took a few minutes but I was able to block out all sounds and calm down.

My other half told me I can't do that. I replied, "Yes I know, but it happened." She told me I can't let it get the best of me. This is something totally new to me. So I have to learn what it is and how to keep it under control.

The ER doctor even told me my heart is a little larger then normal. Though I am a little concerned about that, it doesn't worry me. I've known many people whose hearts are a little larger then normal. But also the doctor didn't seem to concerned about it, as she didn't order any other tests on it. But it is something I will be talking to me Dr about it and will be doing what I need to do.

To those who have Panic Attacks, I feel for you. I really do.
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