November 18, 2013


I should be sleeping right now, as I have to be up in a few hours. I have a license to renew and have to go for a drug test for new work. Then a day followed of some home repair and cleaning. But like always, my legs are restless and there is a lot on my mind.

As I turned 40 a few hours ago, I began thinking. Age has always been a number for me, nothing more. But I've always used it age as a marker. A marker on how far ones gotten in their lives with the plans they laid out before them.

A lot of people don't make plans for themselves other than graduating high school and either going to the military or college. A few go to the extent of making plans for marriage and their homes, but far and few between. Those things normally just happen. And then there are the handful, that make plans for their kids to go to college, though in this day and age, those plans are sometimes lost in transition of trying to survive.

As kids, we dream big. Places we want to go, things we want to do. People we want to be. I will be the first to admit, I may not have had both parents in my life at all times, nor been well off with money, but there was always a roof over our heads and food on the table. Many times it was a struggle beyond belief.

And growing up, I had a lot of opportunities to do some of the things that I wanted to do. Go places I wanted to go. But those things barely put a notch in the bucket list. The ability to be in two movies, the ability to meet an idol and even the ability to live in a city that I'd always wanted to since I was knee high. I even took a very short period of time out and did a little travel. It wasn't anything I'd like it to have been, but I did it.

So where is all of this going? Well, at the age of 40, I would have thought I would have done a little bit more. Traveled to the places I really wanted to go to like England, Ireland, Italy and Egypt. Learn to hang glide and go sky diving. Learn to surf, though I tried body boarding this summer and my body and the ocean are not meant for one another.

I had so many ideas and thoughts growing up, to be a rocker star, to be in the movies, to be the next Salvador Dali, however, something always got in the way and things got put on the back burner. And as I sit here reading this, I realized, I haven't accomplished nearly a 1/3 of what I wanted to do.

Life is always about work. And those few times you do get to do something, no matter how small, you try and make the best of it. But there has to be a time when enough is enough and you get to do something that you want to do and not what others want you to do.

I wanted to do something this year for my birthday to make it memorable. To mark that age marker down as something accomplished. But since loosing my job, money is almost run out. And once I do get money, bills need to be caught up and car repairs need to be done.

In the end, I guess this will be a milestone that is missed.



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