February 27, 2014

Forget the KY, I like it rough!

So, I went back to H&R Block to finish up my taxes. I had to drop off my papers from my stock account last week. Due to the fact that I was on unemployment for a few months last year and had to close out my 401k so I could get bills paid, also the fact I have stocks (though i'm no where close to being rich), I figured I would have to pay in more than I was going to have to prior.

However, the lady was able to go through everything and find me a loss of $300. So in actuality, i'm getting a refund of $39!!!!!! But i owe H&R Block $214 for doing my taxes. Only reason it's so high this year, compared to the hundred something the last five years, is they had to go through all the stocks and unemployment.

So I asked the lady, should I have been able to at least claim the bitches two kids, since they've lived with us for almost a year again. She said yes. And I should be able to claim the bitch as well. HOWEVER, and i know she did this on purpose, the bitch had her father claim the kids. Which is illegal on all grounds, unless they are living with him and he is providing for them 50% of the year. But since they only go over maybe one weekend a month for a few days, that hardly counts. She knew she was not getting any of that money back out of me.

With all the money we spend on utilities, gas, and everything else, it doesn't even compare to what she buys in food in this house. Not to mention the fact she doesn't even pay her own damn phone bill.

So after some minor calculations, with out redoing all the tax forms, I would have gotten back close to $3-4 thousand.

And being as typically predictable as she is, when she was told this, she came up with an excuse that me paying them so much to do my taxes wasn't right. That SHE would have told them to fuck off. Not one word of, i'm sorry, or let me talk to my dad and see if i can get some of the tax money.

Nope, completely ignored it on all levels.  Then proceeded to go back on FB where she spends about 97% of her waking time on. The bitch has no sense of responsibility. No sense of commitment other than to Facebook. No priorities, nothing.

There's a difference between helping when someone needs it and supporting someone who is just down right fucking lazy.

Told, well didn't tell, more or less blurted it out to my fiance, that I'm not married to the bitch, her kids are not my kids. I am not supporting them. And when her other kid comes along in the next few weeks, she can get the fuck out. I don't care where she goes or how she gets there. I'm done.

She can go to a shelter or a cardboard box. She let her dad claim the kids, she can go live with him for all I care. She's better off, giving this baby up for an adoption. She is so self centered and egotistical it's not funny. I feel real sorry for this baby. Instead of being helped to strive for the best she can be, she will be taught it's okay to live of others, that other people will support you. That you really don't have to be responsible. That it's okay not to have goals and priorities.

I maybe sounding mean or inconsiderate, but guess what. I DON'T CARE anymore.

I was always called lazy growing up. But I could never hold a candle to this bitch. I've always tried to be nice. Socialize, say nice things, keep my true feelings hidden. But god damn. How much ignorance can one take?

I've never despised anyone as much as I do her. Even the people that used to beat on me all the time and harass me all the time growing up. I don't even do Google Hangouts as much as I would like on occasion. As her loud fucking mouth can be heard two rooms away over my mic. And she isn't that eloquent with her language.

So in the end, I made a hair over $23,000 this past year because of loosing my job. Closed out my 401k, which gave me an extra $3,000 for a few months. And yet I am still getting robbed.

And voicing my opinions in this house are fruitless. As they are ignored anyway.

Here's the spiked club. Forget the KY, I like it rough!


February 22, 2014

No Repsect

I always try and respect people. Give them respect, get respect. But there are times, that one does not deserve my respect.

So I spent all year busting my ass helping to support 5 people. Only one of those people is my equal half. The others, FREE LOADERS. And it will soon be six, as the niece will have her kid anytime now.

So I spent all year working, lost my job in September and have to pay in on my taxes. Even when I made $23k, I pay in. So the niece, who sat on her ass, mooched and everything else, not to mention got knocked up by a guy who not only stole from her kids, but OD'd on the synthetic shit, twice, get's a shit load of money back.

So she turns over $400 to us. She just got home from her baby shower and find out she bought her kids new tablets from Best Buy. Bitch doesn't even have her license or a car. So why is this money not going there? Why did we get $400 when a years worth of electricity, water, garbage, gas, car trips add's up to well over $400. Not to mention all the other monies spent for various things beyond the occasional situation.

My words keep falling on deaf ears. I understand you want to buy yourself something when you get your tax returns. We all do. But most of us also use it to pay bills.

So yet again, I get shafted like a lot of others and the lazy fucks in this world get to slide by.
Can you hear the violins playing your song bitch?


February 16, 2014

The Written Word

Poetry has always fascinated me. Be it simple on line rhymes, or epics on a grand scale. I even put out a small poetry book, which a new one will be out soon.

I really don't have a favorite poet, nor have I ever "studied" poetry. I just like it. I do own some books from some famous authors like Yeats and Whitman. But there's stuff from others that I adore just as much.

Though Whitman seems to acquire some degree of taste, I do like a lot of his work. Especially Fields of Grass. But then, most people know of this book and have read it or owned it at one point in their life.

Other than Oh Captain, My Captain, here are a few of his that I really like.

O You Whom I Often and Silently Come 
O you whom I often and silently come where you are that I may be with you, 
 As I walk by your side or sit near, 
or remain in the same room with you, 
 Little you know the subtle electric fire that for your sake is playing within me.

Sometimes with One I Love 
Sometimes with one I love I fill myself with rage for fear I effuse unreturn'd love, 
 But now I think there is no unreturn'd love, 
the pay is certain one way or another, 
 (I loved a certain person ardently and my love was not return'd, Yet out of that I have written these songs.)

O Me! O Life! 
O me! O life! of the questions of these recurring, 
Of the endless trains of the faithless, 
of cities fill'd with the foolish, 
Of myself forever reproaching myself, 
(for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?) 
Of eyes that vainly crave the light,
of the objects mean, 
of the struggle ever renew'd, 
Of the poor results of all, 
of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me, 
Of the empty and useless years of the rest, 
with the rest me intertwined, 
The question, 
O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life? 

 Answer. That you are here—that life exists and identity, That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.

Only themselves understand themselves and the like of themselves, 
 As souls only understand souls.

Hypocrisy's Queen

Not sure what my deal was tonight. I guess it's the day in and day out of dealing with the loud mouths, yelling, hypocrisy and just plain bullshit. When I cam home tonight from work, the bitches daughter was sitting at the table, nit-picking through a can of tuna she had opened. Hadn't even fully drained it. Just picking this piece and that one. I wasn't even in the house for 10 minutes and she had gotten up and thrown the whole can in the garbage. She hadn't even eating a third of it. So I pulled it out of the garbage and set it on the counter. Not sure who, but someone put it back in while I was outside.

Bad enough, the bitch doesn't make her kids eat well and buys so much junk food, any 3rd world countries kids would die from a sugar explosion with the shit she brings into the house. Yes fruits and veggies are good. But the occasional snack cake or small bag of chips doesn't hurt either. But i'm talking like 9 boxes of snack cakes, 3-4 large bags of chips, 9 different makes of cookies.

So when good food is thrown out like that, it pisses me off. Hell, all they do is eat junk food all the time, that come dinner, they're never hungry. So a lot of food gets thrown out.

So I decided it was still early enough and with enough light, I could get out to the pool and start working on it. Seeing how the last two weeks, it's rained on my days off, I really couldn't do much of anything with it. So I went out and pulled the leaf netting off, added more chemicals and started the process of removing the mass algae that has built up of the last few months of winter.

With the bitch being pregnant, her moaning and groaning has gotten worse. Especially with her due any time. But she is one of the biggest hypocrites I've ever met. And in all honesty, I've never met someone who I have despised so much in my life. And I have had harsh feelings for others in the past.

She always tries to put on a good front, but the way she mouths off about others behind their backs, sticks her nose in others business, or has to make others business her own and about her.... Pure white trash. I would really love it for it to be out of the house. But my say falls on deaf ears most of the time. With the shows like Jerry and Maury on all day, every day, her life would fit in there without scripting. Honest truth.

Anyway, While outside, I heard yelling and screaming coming from inside. I figured she was just yelling at her kids. But still, i was at the back on the lawn which is about 50 feet from the porch door. All doors and windows were closed, yet it sounded like I was standing right next to her. As I approached the porch to grab the remainder of the pool chemicals, here she was sitting in the chair on her phone bitching and screaming to whom ever it was she was talking to. At one point during the next 15 minutes, I walked around to the front of the house and could still hear her. So I know damn well the neighbors could too. Not like she cares anyway.

By time I got done in the lawn with the pool, Vicki had come home. She was sitting at the table when I went in. Here's the bitch still in the chair. But now she's laughing and carrying on about this person and that. Saying, "Oh she's online. Shits going to happen now." All with a childish laugh. It's like this all the time. Fucking drama queen extraordinaire. Someone get this bitch her crown.  I mean, how can one be so ignorant?

I really feel sorry for her new born, and the kid isn't born yet.

I was trying to watch the new season of House of Cards last night on my PC. I had to keep turning up the volume, because she was carrying on and on. I mean Jesus, the house is small enough, you don't need to raise your voice when everyone's 10 feet from you.

I'm very far from perfect or an angel. But at least I try to provide for Vicki and I. But for the last 2 1/2 - 3 years, i've been providing for her and her two kids as well. Now it seems it will be 3 kids. And I ain't even married to the bitch, nor are they my kids! I also try to do the best I can for Vicki and I. But i'm so worn out. I do my best and try to be friendly. I do what I must to bite my tongue. As if I don't people will get hurt. And i'm not one into hurting people.

Shit needs to change and change fast. I'm on my very last thread. And results won't be very pretty. For anyone.


February 14, 2014

What's In A Dream?

We all have them. Good dreams, bad dreams, nightmares and even wet dreams! Yup, I went there. But really, how much of our dreams do we really remember? And why is it, only the bad parts we seem to remember. Or in most cases, tid bits of the bad parts?

Dreams come from all sorts of things, but as a lot of professionals say, mainly stress. Guess that would make me, like a lot of you good candidates for research.

But what about those dreams that seem so realistic, that your body is damaged when you wake up? IE; bruises, scratches, and in some rare cases, blood.

I use to have very lucid dreams as a teenager. Chalk it up to hormones I guess. But as I've gotten older, a lot of those have disappeared. The only time I dream now it seems is when i'm under heavy amounts of stress. And in some cases they are nightmares. Or what should be, but nothing compared to what I had as a young one.

I wake up with headaches all the time. Have switched  through hundreds of pillows, mattresses, etc, but I guess I just sleep in odd positions. And the headaches are normally in my neck to the base of my skull. So where is this going, dreams and headaches?

Last night I had a few dreams that interlocked into one. And in the end, I was hit in the base of the skull with a 2x4 a few times, as I fought off someone who had broken into the house. And when I woke, my neck and head hurt so bad, it felt like any movement would split it in two. There's even a small lump on the neck, just below the base of skull where in my dream, the wooden death object had struck me multiple times.

Professionals would just say, "Oh, you just hit your self." Or  that I had banged my head on the head board. HA! not as easy as they claim it to be. Four Excedrin later, my head doesn't hurt as much, but the soft tender spot is still there. Slowly going away. But my back still aches.

So why am I talking about this? Well, things like this always bring me back to a particular dream I had as a teen. One that scared the hell out of me as well as my mom. I don't recall all of it, but what I do recall was a few people in my house who shouldn't have been there. After a scuffle, one of them had shot me in the back with buck shot. Anyone who has hunted, knows what that is.

When I woke that morning, I could barely move. It was if I had pulled all my back muscles. Since it was summer, I never wore a shirt to bed. I had slept in that morning so my mom was already up. When I went down stairs she freaked and asked me what the hell I did.

Across my entire back were little bruises the size of BB's. Some a little larger. The same size of buck shot. They covered from the top of my shoulder blades down to my waist. I went into the bathroom and looked and sure as shit, my back was reader than some ginger hair!

She thought I might have fallen in the night or something, but there was not one thing in the house that could make those marks. There wasn't even a gun in the house. As my hunting shotgun was always at my uncles house, due to my brother being so little at the time. It took days for those marks to disappear. And a few extra days for the soreness to vanish.

So, are dreams reality in disguise? I mean, I've had bruises after a hellish dream that I couldn't even reach that part of my body unless I was double jointed. But not all dreams are bad. But those, you can't know about. They're private! :)

When I was younger, in all honesty and call my weird, crazy, buts, whatever, I used to look forward to these nightmares. The way I looked at it, they let me know I was alive. Heart pounding when I sat up, cold sweats, the whole nine yards. But those nightmares always seemed to be a figment of fantasy or of my fantasies. But as I've gotten older, what few nightmares I have are all to real. Dealing with things that are too close to heart.  No more what if fantasy types.

A lot of time I would think that the whole Freddy Kruger thing was possible. Being able to bring something from your dreams back into the material world. Guess the only thing I have been able to accomplish so far was bringing back bruises and scratches in weird places.


February 12, 2014


Work has been anything but straight forward this last week. They trained me on more colleges to support, taking my total upwards of 40 schools. And it would be easy if they were all the same. But each school has it's own ways of doing things, which makes some of the stuff a little difficult.

The training really isn't more than sitting in a classroom and going over the documentation for that school. Then last night, they told me, I was trained in the wrong schools and started training me in other schools. So essentially in the end, I have been trained on about 100 different schools, as well as internal help support.

I don't mind, but the thought of messing up is always on the forefront of my mind when the phone rings. And trying to keep proper pace with each call isn't happening. And it's starting to bug me. They extended my contract through May. Which sucks, because it means they don't want to hire me full time. But keep me around long enough while these schools go through upgrades. Because they will need people to main the phones.

I'm just tried of password resets. I can understand if you were out of school for quite sometime. But the majority are people who just can't remember a simple password that THEY set.

On top of that, shit with unemployment and my last employer has been blowing up the last few days. And tomorrow I have the first of 3 final exams for my certifications. Which i'm nervous as hell. I've never been one to fair well at tests. Ever. Doesn't mean I don't know the material. But there's always been something about tests. I think it's the way the questions are worded. As my reading comprehension was always off.

All i know is, my mind is like a full box of scrambled eggs. I don't know if im coming or going.

February 11, 2014

Forget Dr Jekyll & Mr. Hyde

Tonight, I'm more like Bruce Banner and the Hulk. And the hulk has seemed to start his transformation. What started out as a bad day at work, got a hell of a lot worse when I got home.

So now, months after I got off unemployment, and Centurylink, the company I used to work for tried to appeal it on the first round failed. They are now appealing it again.

So let me explain this situation.  You get what they call an occurrence if you call of of work, if you're scheduled, regardless of the issue. You get one, if you late more than a total of 5 minutes through out the day from being late to work, back from break, lunch etc. Regardless of what the issue was that made you late.

You're allowed 6 of these in one calender year, which used to be 6 every six months, then you get terminated.

Since the buy out of Embarq, which was the company, prior to Centurylink, things were good. Then they started to implement a lot of little changes and it was at that time, some of the best personnel ended up leaving or being let go.

So what happened to me? Well, the stress started to really get to me toward the middle of 2012 and I had been with the company since the start of '07. So much so, I had a mental breakdown in May that year. A breakdown in which I really hurt the one person I call my best friend. I've been through a lot of shit growing up, but this just got the better of me. At that time, I started to develop a small medical issue. I ended up going to the Dr's for FMLA. It wasn't for me to take time off of work or leave early. But to give me a little extra time when i needed to use the bathroom.

First time around, they denied my paper work. Saying it wasn't filled out correctly. So after a half hour or so on the phone with HR, i got all the information needed to have the Dr redo the paperwork. So i stopped in and told him what they had said, as I had it written down. He made the changes per their request, and they denied it again. Now i'm getting a little pissed. So I call again, and ask what's wrong this time. They say this and this need to be changed. I get clarification that, that is all that need to be changed. Dr fills it out yet again, denied. SO now i'm fuming. Getting to the point of saying fuck it.

At my managers request, we try one more time. So I call HR back, and spend a good hour on the phone. I go line by line of the paperwork asking what they want. What he needs to say. And i read back each answer. At the end of the call, i clarify that is it, nothing more? I was told yes. Yet again, he makes their changes and it's denied. By this time, he's pissed off too.

A little time goes by and I'm asked to try one last time to get the paper work submitted, because the medical issue is hurting my record. So I call the Dr and ask him to submit it one last time. He makes no changes on the paperwork and viola, they accept it. Makes absolutely no sense what so ever.

After being advised that it was accepted, I was told, these occurrences garnered due to this issue would be removed. They never were. I went about my daily business of working.

Now, some of these were related to other things as well, not just the medical condition. I left work one evening early when I got a call from the EMT's, telling me my GF had been involved in a  hit and run and they were on their way to the hospital. Because I was scheduled to work til a certain time, I got an occurrence for that. One came from me shattering a tooth during lunch break. Literally, shattered. Blood everywhere, pin like you wouldn't believe. I have a high tolerance for pain, my dentist will vouch for that. However, this pain was so bad, plus my mouth had swollen, I left a few hours early. Got an occurrence for that. I was able to get into the dentist the next day for an emergency extraction, so I had to call off. Now mind you, I don't take vacations, so I have all this so called sick time saved up. But again, 4 shots of Novocaine, cutting into my gum line to extract that tooth, occurrence! No way, was I in any shape to talk on the phone for 8-9 hours after that.

I remember one occurrence i received the day my GF mother, who we lived with at the time to take care of her, has a stroke at 8am. I was in the ambulance on the way to the hospital with her and called off. Occurrence!

I only lived 15 minutes from work, yet I would leave the house a minimum of 45 minutes in case I ran into traffic. One day, there was a massive accident on the main highway in front of my house. They were routing all traffic through different neighborhoods. I called in and said I was running late because of this. Didn't call off, but was late by 16 minutes, occurrence.

There were a few others that happened, to where I had no control. Like witnessing an accident in front of me on the road,coming back from lunch. Stopping to make sure people were okay. And even getting hit in a parking lot, while my car was parked and off.

But in the end, a majority, 80% of them, had come from my medical issue. So, they put me on a final written warning which I signed. When they accepted the FMLA paperwork, they didn't go by what the Dr had put, but instead gave me four leeway's a month.  So essentially screwing me over. But i did not find this out, until later in the year.

I wasn't one to milk this. IF the issue came up, i dealt with it. I even worked overtime when they asked and in some cases volunteered. If I was trying to milk it, I would have done any of that.

SO fast forward to today. Centurylink now wants to fight my unemployment. I got a fed ex envelope today, stating i had a phone interview TODAY that I could not miss. Nice of them to give me fair warning but whats expected from a company that treats their customers and employees like shit and caters only to their share holders.

I've gone over the paperwork a few times, and it's doctored up.  They have dates on there that don't coincide, they have someone as my manager that was never my manager listed. So because I missed this phone interview, I may loose that unemployment and have to pay it back.

SO I need to see where this goes. I'm a very mellow person. But when you back me into a corner, the stinger comes out and people will get hurt. People have this thing of under estimating me. If you read astrology, even if you don't believe in it, I am a scorpion true to heart, in all sense of the terms.

This company not only got my stress levels to the point of anxiety attacks, but they turned into panic attacks. Something I've never had before. At one point, my actual manager had to take me to the hospital from work. They drugged me up and sent me home about 4 hours later. I was so drugged out, the next morning, i didn't even know who i was. Ended up calling off because i was in no shape to drive. Oh snap, an occurrence!

I'm so glad to be out of that company. I feel really sorry for their customers, as I know how they treat them. I feel sorry for those who work there, because they don't care. Plain and simple. I've seen it all.

All of this has gotten so far under my skin, I want to run away. I want as far away as possible. No kids, so very few if any would probably miss me for a short period of time then get over it.

I'm struggling to better myself and make life just a tad bit easier. And i'm going backwards, faster than I can go forward. I'm tired of living as a puppet. And every time I break a string or two, three more get reattached.

Everyone says, keep fighting. One can only fight so much before they're exhausted and can't go on.


February 3, 2014

Anxiety and Me

I've been so frustrated as of late. I've had 3 weeks of classes, followed by work. Making a normal day into roughly a 17 hour day. As soon as I would get home, I would study for a few hours. Try for about four hours of sleep then start all over.

Now, i'm done with classes for a bit, but I have three exams I have to pass. Each exam requires for 90% or better practice exams before I can take the final for each class. Easy right? I've been doing this for the better part of 15 years. WRONG! I keep failing these practice exams miserably.

So where am I going wrong? Well, it's the little technicalities they want. For example, when building a new PC or server, one looks at the manual or the board specifications to see what is and isn't compatible. The exams want to know the tiny details of the hardware. I've never counted pins and numbers. I just looked at the manual. I've built so many of these, I can do it with my eyes closed. And i've only had an issue once in 15 years.

I don't know the speed of lengths of cable at 300 meters. I just know you're not taking a USB cable 300 meters but you can a fiber cable and an ethernet cable. Like i know most motherboards are a form of the ATX standard and have been for decades. But who cares about the damn size in inches? Either it will fit the case or it won't. That's why you do your homework first.

Finally last night, I got a few passing grades on a couple exams and emailed them in. I need a few more for that test. But then I need to do the other two exam practice tests as well. It's things I do every day but don't know the technical NASA details. And it's getting the better of me. Even the teacher said the practice exams cover more than what the real ones do. As the real tests only give questions on current stuff. Where as the practice exams cover everything that's been out since the dawn of man kind.

And I've been so stressed out, I left work early yesterday. I honestly thought I was done at 6, but I was supposed to be done at 6:30. Doesn't help they changed my schedule and the new hours just started. After taking the exams and passing last night, laying in bed, an anxiety attack hit me. I just zoned everything out and breathed. Took about 20 minutes, but I was finally able to calm down.

All i know is, I need these certifications. Because I've had my fill of help desk. It's morally demeaning. I like to help people, but there is a line and that line is cracking.

So for the remainder of this week, after work, I will be hitting the books still and taking these practice exams so I can get the real ones out of the way. And the messed up part about all of this, these are the easy exams. The hard ones are yet to come. But then again, most easy things I have difficulty with and the hard stuff usually makes sense to me.



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