December 17, 2016

Revenge of The Fatman

Ok, for the better part of 30 minutes now, sirens have been blasting like it's a 90's rave party. Coming from this direction, moving to that one. Damn, must be a serious accident. They just aren't stopping.

All the sirens are gone now. But damn! As i'm on the shit box, they get louder and louder. I open the window and see a line of cars with lights going, like a funeral procession. I think, okay, cop died or something and the guy lived in this area. After all, i've only been here about 7 months and don't know anyone. Then see the hook and ladder stop between my house and my neighbors house . I'm like WTF! Then i see a fireman get out of the truck and start jogging toward my house. I'm thinking, damn, i'm not done yet. What if i have to get out? So i start squeezing like no tomorrow. This is how hemorrhoids start ya know! Clean up and run to the door. At this point, i see a cop car pulled over behind the truck. Now i'm a little worried. Then it hits me. The fucking fat man in the red suit is walking toward the police car. He waves, I smirk. All this for a fat man that gets his jollies with little folk?

I don't see the firemen. I walk around the corner of the house and one comes walking back and one is standing there. "Oh i'm sorry sir, he was feeling ill and threw up in your back yard." WHAT?!?!?

Finally the one who threw up comes around the corner and apologies. He asks for a hose to wash it away with. I point to his truck. I get "that" look. I'm thinking, what? You're the ass throwing up not me. Tell them there is a hose on the back of the house he can use.

By this time the cop car is gone with the fat man. I know what happened. Mrs Clause got all hot and bothered by the fireman calendar and had a midday sushi roll with Mr. flame wetter. So the fat man offered up some of the Mrs's special Christmas cookies at the start of their little neighborhood tour. I know that fat bastard was laughing his jolly ass off as he drove away under police protection.



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